I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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