You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
my poor anus
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
