And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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