Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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