why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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