Taylor Swift is so right about you.
time to smoke my breakfast
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
