The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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