Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
