I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Randomize
