Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
