Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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