I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
