im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
