did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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