I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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