Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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