My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
