Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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