hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
