there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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