I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
