just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
