I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
