She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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