YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
