Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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