Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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