I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I believe in your delicious
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
