Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
