mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
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i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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