woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
