I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
