Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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