Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
