So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Randomize
