My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
