He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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