so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I could make wine with my vomit
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We need to rekindle our bromance
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
