Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
