a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
