So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
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I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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