I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
We're too hungover to prance.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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