my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
