Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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