What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
