Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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