Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
