Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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