The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think people are normalizing furries
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
