the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
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I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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