Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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