I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
