My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
