I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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