Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
