I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
