I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
