so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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