I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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