i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
