Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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