Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
