Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
