conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
