I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
